Thoughts over the weekend….

I have been given some things to think about this week. On Friday, one of the board members who is also a friend of ours, came by the house on his way home from work. He wanted to let me know that the band director was resigning his postition. “Word on the street is, you are a band director. Thought you might want to go put in your application.”

Then, after thinking about that all weekend, I get to church. Head into the choir room and start getting my robes on and at least 5 people asked me if I was going to put in my application for the band director posititon.

I am not ready to go back to teaching band full time. I am not ready for that pressure, the stress, the ulcers, the long hours. I am not ready for the band booster organization, the smart aleck students….

My spirit was broken at one school. I took a job after that one, just as an assistant, because I couldn’t do it anymore. I allowed those people to break me. To hurt me beyond repair, to make me hate the one thing in my life I was good at….music. I was not accepted into that school. I was not accepted into that band program. I was a female director, and I was not from that county. The odds were already stacked against me. Things were said about me that weren’t true. Things happened, beyond my control, that were twisted into being my fault. People used me. People hated me. I cried every day on my way to work and every day on my way home.

During it all, I tried. I tried to be a good band director. I tried to remain a good, kind, loving person. But it was hard to be kind to people who showed such resentment towards you.

After my last school, I said no more. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be hated so much. Why did they hate me? Why? Because I spoke my mind? Because I didn’t play mind games? Because I wasn’t political? Is that it?

I enjoyed teaching preschool because there was no drama. There were no booster clubs. The parents were marginally involved. The worst thing that happened was me not picking a child to be line leader and she got upset. That was it! There were no parents calling for my head on a stake. There were no adminstrators looking to fire me because I couldn’t vote for them.

I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t think I can ever go back to teaching in a classroom. I love my life as a mom. I love my life at home. I love being available for my children if they need me. I love being able to go eat lunch with my husband on a whim. I love being able to go to the grocery store without having to drag all 3 children with me.

I am not going to put in my application. There is no need. The wounds have not healed from that one school. I can’t keep ripping them open by thinking about going back to being a band director. And that is what has happened. I have tried so hard to forget what happened. I have tried so hard to forgive those people who hurt me. But every time I think I have it behind me, something happens to remind me that it is not behind me. That those wounds are still fresh and not healed. Heck…they are not even scarred over.

Things to think about…why would I put myself through that hell on earth again? Why would I want to?